I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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