So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
