Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
