Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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