Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
