Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
