We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
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Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
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I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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