So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So much rum. So many feels.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
