seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
