sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
