Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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