Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
