i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
