Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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