The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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