Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
