she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
