I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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