My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
