We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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