Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
