apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
