Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Michael Bay diarrhea
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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