Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
