Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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