someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
