well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
