Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
