I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
