I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
