Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
