I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
