I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She's just so happy...and so naked.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
