Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
