Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
