I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
