I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
