Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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