so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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