i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
so let's talk penis.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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