My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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