Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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