I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
