im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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