That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
