i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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