You smell like stripper and shame
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
