So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
