i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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