I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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