Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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