just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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