Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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