The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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