She is in my trunk
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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