Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
