I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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