I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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