i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
