Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".