I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner