Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"