i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
